I didn’t play this weekend. I didn’t play a game, or do a puzzle, or even read about a new game. There’s just always so much to do. Or is there? Even with all of the responsibilities of being a parent, or of being a husband, there should be time to play. I know the time is there. It has to be there. I’m just not making it work, and I know why.
I don’t make it work because it’s for me.
It is a difficult thing to explain, but it is the reason that this site was created. There is something about playing games that makes me happy, and being happy is not something that comes naturally. I have what is called a Dysthymic Disorder, which is a mild form of chronic depression. According to allaboutdepression.com,
People with dysthymia generally experience little or no joy in their lives. Instead things are rather gloomy most of the time. If you have dysthymia you may be unable to remember a time when you felt happy, excited, or inspired. It may seem as if you have been depressed all your life. You probably have a hard time enjoying things and having fun.
If you look this up in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of my face. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. However, there is something about playing games that creates cracks in the wall I’ve made, and fun finds a way through. Playing helps relax the constant tension I feel. This is why this site exists, to encourage me, and anyone who has difficulty having fun, to make time for games and toys and the joy of non-practical recreation.
I admit that right now, it’s not working. I don’t know if you can understand how depression can become an old comfy shirt, the kind that you wear every day because it’s your favorite. You don’t want to wear the new shirt, because it just doesn’t fit like the old one. This is why I don’t work at trying to form a gaming group. This is why I find other things to do instead of playing. It doesn’t fit like the comfy shirt.
It’s going to be one step at a time for me. I’m just not sure what the right first step will be.